Meet the Jousters!

All content reposted from Maine Boats, Homes & Harbors Show

Are you ready to meet the jousters? The Maine Boats, Homes & Harbors Show is this weekend in Rockland Harbor and Saturday’s line-up of fun includes Maine’s first ever Stand-Up Paddleboard Jousting Competition. The fun begins at 1:30 and The Maine’s very own Outsider will be shaking a stick. Come witness the dash n’ splash action!

Announcing LADY PADDLEBEARD:

Lady Paddlebeard first gained her balance on the flat lands of Illinois. It was a rich and royal life, and she grew up with excellent equilibrium (only falling down and/or tipping over occasionally). But evil found its way to her, as evil sometimes does. It was a seemingly freak accident involving a paddleboard, a tub of hummus, and a humorless bridge-dwelling troll. Lady Paddlebeard only recalls that she awoke on a Maine river seven days later hungry as all get-out and sporting a knee-length beard. She tried to shave it, but it clung to her face like a barnacle. So she learned to judge the strength and direction of the wind by how it wafted through her facial hair. And sometimes she lets the wind fill her beard and she sails where it takes her. And she only trips over it sometimes.

Announcing Paddleboard Jouster #2: LORD OF THE BOARD

The Lord of the Board is a direct descendant of King Geoffrey the Timid of Kreplakistan. Trained in secret, hundreds of miles from the ocean in the southwest of France. His technique is described as “unorthodox and strange”. At the age of 16 he was banned from the sport of paddleboard jousting for what was called gross incompetence. Reinstated in his 30’s after a lengthy appeals process with the national SUP board in Liechtenstein (where he was living in disgrace), he went on to win 3 of the 100 joust tournaments that he has entered ….by default. He is ranked in the bottom 99% of SUP jousters and is in process of planning yet another comeback bringing his total to 4.

When he is not competing in a SUP tourney, he enjoys bird watching, playing marbles, betting on llama races, and needlepoint. He was born on the 30th of February, which comes about every 19th years in his native land. Rumors and carbon dating put his estimated age in his late 30’s. His wife and 2 children reluctantly acknowledge him as a relation, and most people deny his existence.

He lives by the motto: “If it isn’t moving, it might just be sleeping, so don’t poke it with a stick.”

IF Paddleboard Jousting were a legal betting game, we suspect that most bets might be on this athletic jouster. Introducing Jouster #3: THE STAMINTOR STAMINA STAM-BAM!

Jessica Stammen is an artist and athlete. She paints traditional landscapes and people adventuring in the landscape. She brings a waterproof camera with her on long open water swims and SUP sessions and works from the images she captures. Even with camera she has been known to swim six miles at a time, and last year she swam from Ducktrap to Islesboro. After living in New York City for a number of years she’s glad to be back in the Midcoast where art, life and outdoor activity are one. (Editor’s note: She also wants to know why so many of the competitors are dressed up in capes and crowns?!)

With the multi-national Olympic spirit in the air we are pleased to announce Paddleboard Jouster #4: THE DUKE OF DUNKINGTON

Although alleged to still be the Executive Director of the Penobscot Bay Regional Chamber of Commerce, Dan Bookham, or the Duke of Dunkington, hasn’t been seen in the office for weeks and some have begun to doubt his existence. The Duke, or “His Grace” as he prefers to be called, is 60 millionth in line to the British throne. After a few minor indiscretions in his youth, he was banished to Rockland, Maine. Here he lives in comfortable exile with Jessie the Duchess of Dunkington, his heir and successor Lady Scout Bookham, and their two ducal dogs. This true Brit with true grit is confident that his superior breeding and depth of national history will bring him victory and allow him to send all comers into the water in revenge for all that tea you dumped in Boston Harbor.

Some of you may have heard the Duke of Dunkington and the Queen on the radio, so we shall introduce our 5th Paddleboard Jouster: THE QUEEN OF KAPOW!

The Queen of Kapow! originally reigned over an enchanted forest in Vermont. She measures in at less than a half-length of a jousting pole and weighs in at a good-sized pile of stones. Though landlocked for many years, she and her sister often played in streams and moats about their castle, thus creating an affinity for water sports. She figures her previous wind surfing and ice skating experience, coupled with a low center of gravity (ballast), may help her novice feet stay standing on a paddleboard for one millionth of a second longer than her competitors. The Queen has always had a competitive streak and is slightly concerned that the jousting melee may cause her schizophrenic Evil Twin personality to surface. In order to keep Evil Twin’s attitude in check, she has decided to turn her competition into a fundraiser for all her ailing friends throughout her kingdom. The Queen wishes to kapow cancer. She will be wearing names of brave, honorary cancer fighters on her jousting cape per her sponsors in the Champion the Cure Challenge. Instead of training, she is fundraising. But heck, that is really the battle she wishes to win. Her Evil Twin’s personality was quoted recently, “Yeah my twin thinks she is trying to be the Queen of Kindness all of a sudden, but we are going to kapow anyway. Thanks to our sponsors we’re gonna knock the spine right out of cancer!”

Another contestant jousting for a cause: LADY JOUSTING JANET THE JUSTLY JUBILANT.

Lady Jousting Janet the Justly Jubilant began paddleboarding as a more appropriate sport after trying kitesurfing, but swallowing half the Pacific perfecting her technique. With paddleboarding, she was able to drink margaritas instead of salt water, and enjoy the experience. She comes to the competition ready to best her opponents in good fun, while she raises awareness and funds for lifesaving programs in behalf of shelter pets. She is the President of Pixel’s Posse, Inc., a shelter pet rescue and advocacy organization formed last year after inspiration from the Boatyard Dog Competition in which her dog, Pixel, a fiercely competitive rescued Chihuahua, competed. If you or your company would like to sponsor her by making a donation to The Pixel Fund, she will proudly wear your colors and joust on in your name. She greatly dislikes cold water so has incentive to win.

If you were not a swimmer, would you have the fortitude to joust on a standup paddleboard? Introducing jouster #7 AQUAPHOBIA:

Like convicted witches of the medieval era, it’s trial by fire (or in this case, self-inflicted trial by water) for AQUAPHOBIA. An elemental test of skill and courage is the self-help remedy of choice for this courageous crusader. While others may have greater paddleboard training Aquaphobia expects his doggy-paddling expertise to lead to personal metamorphosis, changing him from aqua phobic to aquaphilus.

Let’s hear a loud WOOF! for our jouster LADY CAPSIZEYA, who comes to us all the way from Thomaston:

She has been undergoing a strict training regimen designed by her 12-year-old son, Sir Andrew. When he heard that mom would be going into battle he insisted that he could show her how to win. He assures us that, thanks to his skills as a trainer, she is now ready to compete, despite her complete lack of SUP experience! She is an avid sailor, however, and has built her own custom Greenland sea kayak at the Apprenticeshop here in Rockland. When she is not on the water, she can be found behind her computer screen dressed as her alter ego, Noreen Mullaney, publisher of her popular paper Downeast Dog News. Her able assistants are Managing Editor Rex the Dog. Since he’s adopted, Rex’s favorite part of the paper is the adoption column. Lady’s cat Mickey Stihl is (of course) the one who really runs things at the office. Come visit Lady Capsizya at her tent in the “All Things Dog” area here at the show and get a copy of the August Issue of Downeast Dog News which contains all the news that’s fit to paw-print.

Yikes! This jouster sounds like she has some frustration to take out on other jousters. Introducing our 9th jouster: FREELANCE A LOT’S EX WIFE.

Oh, so you think that Freelance A Lot’s “a great guy”? Yeah, well, lemme fill you in on something. He couldn’t bring home a steady paycheck if someone were holding a broadsword to his melon. No benefits, nothing. In fact, my horse got repossessed because of him and now I’m schlepping back and forth to my job at the Ye Olde Mall Wart on this stinkin’ paddleboard.
So yeah, I’m ready to shake my chochis (whatever they are) and get out my hoo haws, cause ain’t no better jousting training than to be the ex-wife of a freelance scribe.

Will other paddleboard jousters bow down to the honorable SURF SWAMI during Saturday’s tournament? The battles begin at 1:30.

The Surf Swami was cross-trained by Sufi mystics and Tantric Buddhists in the headwaters of the Indus and Ganges Rivers. Applying the techniques of both the Whirling Dervish and the Dancing Wu Li masters, Surf Swami (SS for short) has been known to levitate his paddleboard and to wipe out with miraculous fervor. Now a member of a secret, but highly publicized society known as the Skulls, Surf Swami expects his jousting efforts to demonstrate the melding of the Hindu Law of Karma with Newton’s Third Law of Motion. Or something like that.